Moving interview with Sathnam Sanghera & extract from his newly published book in The Times
I look forward to being able to read the whole story. The insights I most hope to gain are into how a boy who, on any concerned tick box analysis would have been predicted to fail (non-English speaking, barely educated immigrant family, madness, domestic violence, poverty) took an otherwise conventional route to a Cambridge degree & a career on the Financial Times
It is dispiriting that the book is being touted as a misery memoir, about arranged marriage, even if this is the view taken by the author himself
When I was 19 & in a not dissimilar position myself – re a contemplated marriage which might make my parents unhappy I mean, none of the other details - I was lucky enough to be able to consult a fellow student, without incurring the expenses of a life coach. Since he was older (at least 25) with an unbelievably exotic & sophisticated family, I trusted him to be able to use his experience of the world to give me good advice
He did. It boiled down to
· You have an absolute right to marry whomsoever you choose
· You have no right to expect your parents to be pleased about your choice – they have a right to their own opinions too
· In any case, why presume to know what their reaction would be? They might think it a desirable match
· Although the most probable outcome was that they would offer their support because their love outweighed any reservations they might have, I must be prepared to face the possibility of rejection
· YOU MUST TELL THEM. DO NOT DECEIVE THEM
I chose my adviser well
It was also the beginning, for me, of the realization that romantic love can never be used as a justification for absolutely anything. Every marriage (& its dissolution) affects others deeply too
I obviously do not know until I read the book – maybe not even then – how much Sathnams mother really clings to the idea of an arranged marriage. I wonder if he has ever considered the possibility that perhaps she just wants him to be married – because it would be good for him - & has been trying to help in the only way she knows? That she might have been delighted to be introduced to the girl of his dreams?
One further point. I am very glad to see further evidence that men find arranged marriage hard too, coming as it does soon after we learned that a considerable proportion of those who seek help from the governments forced marriage unit are young men
For too long this has been lazily regarded as a womens issue, as if we really believed that since men have their minds on only one thing, any wife will do
