It was quite hard to avoid this poem when I was a child – just about every grandfather or uncle in our part of the world had it as their party piece, & it often turned up in variety programmes on the radio. For true authenticity, a broad Lancashire accent is required.
I haven’t heard it for years now, but just say A stick with an ‘orse’s head handle to many, & they will all lapse into reminiscence.
THE LION AND ALBERT
There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert their son.
A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.
They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks ... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.
So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent position
With the side of his face to the bars.
Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well ... it didn't seem right to the child.
So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!
You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage wi' 'im
And swallowed the little lad ... whole!
Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"
So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.
The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure it's your lad that he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"
So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to-do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday best, too."
Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"
The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"
But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.
Round they went to the Po-lice Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.
The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"
Marriott Edgar
